a film by Graham Baker

This would have been perfect, right? The same issue, the same week that Sullydog reviews Seamus Heaney's lyrical new translation of Beowulf, and John Gardner's Grendel, the astonishing modern portrait of the most venerable monster in the English language, I could also turn you on to an engaging, science-fictional, cinematic adaptation of Beowulf starring Christopher Lambert.

Oh, well. It was a nice idea, anyway.

Listen to Sullydog. Check out Gardner's Grendel. Buy a copy of Heaney's Beowulf; read it to yourself out loud. And stay the hell away from this movie.

Even in the wasteland that is sci-fi celluloid, it's rare to come across such an unequivocally crappy piece of cinematic garbage. I'd like to be able to tell you that the fimakers had good intentions, but the majesty of Beowulf was just too much for them. I'd love to tell you they made a decent effort, but they just couldn't do it justice.

But it's not that. This is just bad filmmaking, period. Bad script. Bad sets. Bad special effects. Bad costumes (but look at the titties on her, would ya?). Bad editing. Bad score. Really bad acting. Let's face it, Lambert is no DeNiro, but he's usually at least competent. In Beowulf he's too busy looking embarrased to perform. And just what were they thinking when they did his hair?

What really sucks about "Director" Graham Baker's Beowulf is that some people who don't know any better will check it out and get the wrong idea about the original. For those worried that Hollywood is twisting the minds of our young people, here's a great place to start. There ought to be a law.


Highlander meets Krull.

Sullydog does not approve.

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